The Canine Guru’s Guide to The Perfect Relationship

“Inca, are you listening to me? Stop doing that when I’m talking to you, it’s inappropriate!” He was in the doghouse for barking at the birds in the garden at 7a.m. This was a teaching moment.

“That’s just how he cleans himself, and you know he can’t actually understand you?” piped up my son, making me jump. I thought he’d finally become a zombie in one of his computer games and yet, here he was, standing in the kitchen, buttering a fourth piece of toast like a semi-normal almost-teen. Inca looked up and nodded at the long-haired gamer, dog-to-man – they had each other’s backs.

“That is where you are wrong! He knows perfectly well what I am saying, he just chooses to ignore me.”

“Oh Mum, I love you,” said my son, as he sauntered out of the kitchen, dropping a trail of crumbs in the corridor.

I love you. Funny phrase. It’s useful shorthand between parents and children, code even. Said by my son, it means, you’re insane for talking to an animal but I won’t call social services. When I say it to him, it means do as I say, or I will smother you in your sleep. In romantic relationships, what do the words really mean? What can they mean? At the age of forty-eight, you’d think I’d know, but the truth is I don’t think anyone really knows. Love in a relationship is ever changing, often conditional and has its limitations. I realise neither I, nor the dog, are experts on the matter – I seem to have turned into a jolly Miss Havisham, while Inca is a four-legged creature who cares only about eating, sleeping, and his genitals. In that way he is remarkably similar to a man – and yet, together we will try to shine a spotlight on how to perform best in a loving relationship. 

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” Never are we more players than in relationships. I suppose it is the only way to endure them. At first you provide the best version of yourself and then slowly you admit that you can’t keep it up. That is fine, unless the person reveals they are a psychopath and then some kind of protective weaponry will be required. Sometimes, you spend your entire life with just one person and at the final curtain call, flowers are thrown on the stage. Bravo! Didn’t you do well; you lived your lives together without killing each other. Other times, it’s a comedy of co-dependent errors – edgy and hard to watch, but somehow fascinating. Then there are the tragedies that blaze brightly, swords flashing and very entertaining to witness, with lots of audience participation. In actuality there are often too many actors on the stage at the same time. Such a tragedy leaves the reviewers (aka the couple’s friends) saying, “The first act held such promise… ” Then there are the real horrors, that should be banned, where the players stab each other in the back at dinner parties, offering little verbal attacks that everyone pretends is not happening. The victims keep stumbling around, anaemic with blood loss. Long after you think they should be dead, they’re saying all the right lines, acting like they are at the Globe. In fact, they are in panto in Bournemouth. The audience wants to scream, “He’s (or she’s) behind you,” but no one says anything because it’s none of our business how people conduct their lives, even if makes swallowing dessert difficult.

Inca has fallen asleep while I was monologuing. Rude.

I’ll just wake the guru. A luxurious yawn, a downward dog, a shake of his fur and he is ready to begin sharing his wisdom.

Rule 1: Always awaken your love in a gentle manner, however pissed off you were with them the night before. A belly rub or a scratch behind the ears is what Inca would recommend. I have known men who would agree. But, have your boundaries. If there is something they like to do first thing, particularly if it is invasive and you cannot stand it, be honest. 

“For God’s sake, that is disgusting!” works well for me when I am awakened by licks to the face. 

Rule 2: Don’t punish your love when he/she goes away for a period of time, even if they do lock you in the house with only water and Radio 4 for company. Try to understand, they left you with Gardener’s F**ing Question Time because they thought you’d like it. Forgive them for torturing you with presenter/guest banter about having, “Acres that I don’t know what to do with,” when you are locked indoors behind glass and can only gaze at the patch beyond. Do not, whatever you do, urinate on the kitchen floor in protest. This leads to much shouting and storming out, which yes, is an overreaction, but it is their bipedal reaction, and you must embrace it. On the flipside, don’t show excessive gratitude when they return – this smacks of Stockholm syndrome. Keep your own counsel. When they finally open the door again and use that high-pitched voice that you know means they feel guilty, let them stew a while, especially if they walk in smelling of some other bitch. Take yourself outside, perhaps defecate in the garden, which they will be forced to clear up. In that way, the balance of power will be restored.

Rule 3: When your love calls you to come back – acquiesce. Do not be tempted to stray. If you have strayed too far from their sight and their tone sounds worried, alleviate that anxiety immediately. Don’t chase after a stone, skimmed into a thrashing sea by a random stranger. The likelihood is you will soon feel out of your depth and miss your love terribly, for they can touch the bottom and have bigger limbs to help battle against the tide. But whatever you do, don’t call them ‘big boned’ during your speech of thanks. They hate that.

Rule 4: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you have broken Rule 3, make sure you make a lot of noise, so your love can come find you and valiantly run into the water, fully dressed to save you. This will actually give you an immense sense of importance. Watching how your love will disregard his or her own personal safety, in favour of your own, does wonders for the ego. So, scratch rule 3, just run freely into slightly dangerous situations. It keeps that frisson of the early days alive. He or she will feel elated too, this will mainly be due to the elevated adrenaline coursing through their veins, but it’s better than feeling numb. The bond will be stronger, so attempt to drown on a regular basis – I recommend at least once a month to keep the relationship energised, even if they say things like, “Next time, I’m going to let you drown.”   

Rule 5: If you have been on a trip somewhere that was more fun than being at home, don’t you dare let on, as this will lead to much passive aggressive stroking. Above all, don’t mope. Easier said than done. You will be tempted to go and sit on the couch immediately and sleep without saying a word, even to the smaller members of the family who will fuss around you like crazed pups, using infantile chatter that is not even a real language. “Who’s a bubbas-a-boo-boo? Mr Snuggles! A come here for da cuddles.” Yes, it is humiliating but you must endure the physical assault. If you can, act happy about it, this will reduce the ‘snuggling’ time. Thrashing your tail on the couch a few times and panting is enough to appease. Whatever you do, do not look out of the window, revealing that your head and heart is still walking on the beach with the man of your dreams: a giant, who your love refers to as, “The X, who didn’t even buy you!”

Rule 6: Remember you are not a commodity. If your love happens to say, “But you are mine. You can’t be sad to be home.” Turn away and fart. This will tell him/her that they are being foolish and expresses perfectly how odious you find their possessiveness. 

Rule 7: Don’t commit adultery. 

That’s it. 

It is just THE rule. If you do break it, whether you cover it up or admit it, the outcome is the same, the love you used to feel between you will start to peel away like a bad paint job, and what will be revealed is a poorly built house. The place you felt so at home in, will crumble around you, taking out an eye as the bricks fall on your head. Maybe not at first, but over time. And in the end, when you are sitting on your pile of rubble, all alone, staring at other nearby houses with their pretty gardens and natural laughter, you will realise that you did this and that the house was not your love after all, it was you. You tore yourself down. Laying the foundations again will take time, and after such an event most people erect a prefab that can be rebuilt again and again afterwards. Just how it is, the pattern of self-destruction. If you are not happy, leave first, don’t end up derelict of self just because you were too lazy to dig a little deeper.

Inca growls in my direction, reminding me that this is in fact his blog and the topic was covered in Rule 3 in a much more delicate fashion. Apologies. Continue master. He huffs and begins to dictate once more.

Rule 8: Always compliment their food. It doesn’t matter if you ate herb flavoured butcher’s bought mince in the hotel you stayed in the other night. In your own home, you need to act overjoyed about the lamb concoction that your love puts down on the ground with a frankly over-the-top, “Ta-da!” If you turn your nose up and walk out of the room, expect ramifications in the form of fridge doors opening and closing, and quite a lot of muttering about being, “Under appreciated, even by the dog!” Just eat the damned slop and tell her/him they are a culinary genius, but preferably an hour after consuming a dental chew stick to avoid offending with foul breath.

Rule 9: Listen. Really listen.

At times, what your love says might sound like nonsense but you will get the gist, or at least give the impression that you do. Just tilt your head as far as you can to the right, open your eyes wide and nod. Do not interject with a bark, even if you strongly disagree. Let them whitter on until they feel they’ve said their piece. It will normally be about the food in Rule 8 and the fact that you regurgitated it on the corridor carpet. There is no point in telling him/her that the plan was to eat it again five minutes later to save on kitchen towel. Just let them rant. They will feel better, you will feel better… if not, very hungry by lunchtime.

And finally, Rule 10: Apologise and kiss. A little like the Catholic religion, assume you have done something wrong just by existing and at the end of the day, apologise to your love with a kiss.

“Yuk, Inca, not on the face. Here, have the top of my hand.”

O.K. lick the top of your love’s hand and nuzzle what fur you have up to theirs. Try not to break wind and finally sleep, knowing that you are loved, in whatever form that may be.